Honoring Others’ Priorities While Not Derailing Yours
When we honor our own priorities, it makes us stronger, more focused, and more aware of what we want to do and be in the world. We learn to say “no” when it’s appropriate. We toss aside old paradigms that no longer fit us. We clear out a lot of detritus in order to have the room to grow and thrive. And it’s absolutely delicious to pay such close attention to what we truly want.
At the same time, we DO live in a world with other people. They have priorities, too — and sometimes they bump up against ours. So here the question is how to support them at the same time we support ourselves?
Only say “yes” if you mean it. People who are enthusiastic about their priorities, who want to get them out in the world, will always ask for help when they need it. The help could come in the form of time, effort, money or brainstorming.
If you can spare any of these four without compromising your own priorities, then jump in! Sometimes when we get out of our own heads and into someone else’s, we come back refreshed and with some new ideas about how to approach our own work and desires.
But at the same time, if what you are being asked for is something that delays or derails your priority set, then think very carefully before you say yes — and don’t be afraid to say no. Here’s an example:
Joe and his husband are in their sixties, and one of their main goals is to be debt-free when they retire in a few years. The balances on Joe’s business credit cards are much higher than he’d like, so he is working diligently at getting them down, which means cutting out a lot of frills.
He’s always donated heavily to animal welfare charities and when a plea is posted on Facebook he’s been one of the first to help out. But now he is reluctantly saying “no” when these appeals cross his desk.
Is that mean? Is that selfish? Not at all. He’s looking at his long-term goals and major priorities, and making decisions. Instead of directly contributing, he shares the posts, and he often makes suggestions for how to raise the needed funds.
But he knows that saying “no” to a direct contribution right now means he can say “yes” more easily when the household is living on a retirement budget.
When even the best of your friends asks for what you can’t give without sacrificing your own goals, don’t give a knee-jerk “yes.” At the very least, say, “Let me think about this and get back to you.” When you do respond, let it be an honest answer that takes care of you without simply ignoring them.
If you can’t support a friend’s priorities, don’t — but don’t denigrate them either. Sometimes a friend’s priority is something you can’t champion: you’re a progressive Democrat and they are working for a conservative Republican, for instance. Or they are heavily invested in a charity whose premise you don’t believe in, or championing a stance that is the opposite of yours.
Let neither guilt nor fear push you to support them, even in small ways. Stay true to you.
At the same time, however, it’s not your job to try and convince (or bully) them into holding your opinion, rather than their own. You may find yourself working at opposite ends as a result — pro-choice v. pro-life, vaccinations vs. anti-vaccination, or vegan diet v. paleo lifestyle.
When you find yourself at odds with a friend’s priorities, do what you can to maintain the friendship regardless — avoid heated debate, do what you need to do for your family without making it a point of discussion, or serve a vegan dish for her and one with animal protein for yourself.
Everyone has a right to their priorities, even if theirs aren’t yours.
If someone’s priority can work with yours, find a way to make them mesh. Let’s return to Joe, who is trying to save money for retirement. His friend Rachel has to find entertainment for the corporate party and the better she can make the party, the more likely it is for her to get a promotion by coming to the attention of the Powers That Be.
Joe is a superb caricature artist. Here is a perfect opportunity for priorities to mesh. Joe gets a gig that helps him pad that bank account. He supports Rachel’s bid for looking brilliant by doing some extra drawings ahead of time that are practically portraits of the Important Folks. Everybody wins.
On a more personal level, let’s say that one of your priorities is to spend more time with your family. A few days after you make this a priority, your friend asks you if you can watch her kids every Thursday while she attends a class. Can you take the kids to your house? If you have outings planned, can you bring them along? Perhaps she can handle something for you on a different day, leaving you those extra few hours to lavish on your loved ones.
Never be afraid to ask for a return of energy or favor. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to help out, but it does show that you respect your time as much as your friend’s. The more we can create a community of win-win, the better the energy all around — and the more likely a friend will see your priorities and say “how can we work together again?”
Share your network. I’m very particular about NOT giving out my clients’ addresses or contact information — it’s part of that “confidentiality” that a good intuitive needs as part of her reputation. But at the same time, if I find another professional, a product or a service that I think is useful or advantageous for them, I make sure clients know about it.
Whether it’s the nutritional coaching skills of one friend, the animal communication expertise of another, or the high-quality crystals and stones sold by a third, I have no trouble talking about them in my newsletter, in a lecture, or on my social media accounts. Then, if a client asks me for their contact information, I’m more than happy to share it directly.
Equally, I have another reputation I’m pretty proud of: I’m known for coaching and mentoring up-and-coming psychics who want to know how to run their business professionally and with integrity.
If I have found a networking modality that performs for me, or a graphic designer or printing company that does superior work, or a promoter who really walks their talk in terms of running a professional and quality show, I have no issue sharing that information with the rookies.
When people say, “Aren’t you afraid they will take your business?” I laugh.
Every intuitive is different. Our skills levels vary, our specialties run the gamut. And there are almost eight billion people in the world — I can’t read them all! New readers are welcome on the playing field, and I rely on my skills and reputation (and marketing know-how) to keep me happily busy.
Sharing your network marks you as a confident, generous professional, in the eyes of both those with whom you share information and the folks you recommend. And both will pay off with handsome dividends in the future when you come to them with YOUR priorities and need assistance.
Simple encouragement is your last, always appropriate, way of supporting a friend’s priorities without jeopardizing yours. She may want to become an Arbonne consultant. He may want to open up a dance studio. They may want to start a marketing firm — move to Paris — adopt a child from Guatemala. What they want may have nothing to do with your life or how your prioritize your time.
But if it’s a heart’s wish for them and it’s something you can support, be in their encouragement corner. Keep their spirits up. Perhaps suggest some ways they can further their goals. Knowing that we have friends in our cheering section can sometimes make the difference of getting up those tough inclines — or falling and failing.
In turn, when your priorities seem bigger than you can manage, don’t be reluctant to ask for some encouragement from your friends and colleagues. Honest encouragement means more than any other assistance, especially if the assistance is only half-heartedly given.
Everyone has priorities. Everyone has heart’s wishes. It’s wonderful when they can work together to be mutually fulfilled, but when they can’t — don’t be hesitant to help as you can, as long as your own priorities and wishes aren’t trampled or forgotten in the process.
