Be An Elder, Not A Boomer
This morning I saw a meme that was a perfect example of why this country is so broken.
It vehemently objected to the idea of raising the minimum wage and forgiving student loans for people that they referred to as “lazy students,” and instead said that what should REALLY happen was that Social Security should be raised “for those of us who have already worked our asses off for 50 years!”
Do you wonder why “okay boomer” is now an epithet? (And why I agree with it?)
It’s true, life was better when I was growing up. And these reasons illustrate why:
Fascism stayed where it had been shoved — in the recent past, in the darkness.
Political compromise was possible for the good of the country.
Wage inequality wasn’t nearly as insurmountable as it is now.
We didn’t believe that climate disaster and mass extinctions could make the world uninhabitable in our lifetimes.
We didn’t fear being murdered when we went to school.
We didn’t fear being shot in the head because of our life choices: who we loved, who we voted for, how we viewed women’s rights, whether or not we believed science.
But we DID believe in the possibility of having a better life than our parents did.
As Boomers, it was always about us from the moment we were born. We were like the bulge in the boa constrictor who swallowed an elephant, on the first page of The Little Prince.
And the generations following are beginning to wonder if we will ever not think of ourselves as more/better/brighter/more deserving.
It’s time for my generation to learn to be Elders, not Boomers.
So what’s the difference between a Boomer and an Elder?
In times past, Elders agreed that as one ages, one leaves the world stage and makes room for the next generation.
Elders understood that the generations needed to be mutually supportive — that the family or community was a whole, not striated competitors who subliminally resented each other.
Elders knew they were a repository for wisdom, but it wasn’t a license to force-feed people “how it used to be.”
How to be a successful Elder:
Think before you pontificate. Sometimes, people are trying out different ideas in their heads or in a non-vital setting to see what works, what feels right. To immediately tell them they are doing something wrong, or that you did it better, or to berate them for what you see as foolish opinions or actions means that you are cutting their growth off at the root, and feeding them reasons to never trust their own knowing.
People are not bonsai trees; don’t force them to grow the way you think they should.
Respond, rather than react. Two words with a huge difference.
Respond means to think carefully about what is being said or done, and review all your possible reactions to decide which one moves the dialogue or situation forward in a positive, constructive manner.
React is to fall back on a knee-jerk, unthinking response. It’s appropriate in a dangerous situation (avoiding a car accident, for instance), but if that is always your go-to action when someone says or does something that doesn’t fit YOUR narrative, it’s out of line.
It also guarantees that younger people will stop interacting with you. (And that feeds into the senior citizen’s common feelings of abandonment, irrelevance and loneliness.)
Listen without judgment. So often, people long to be heard. And one gets heard when someone listens to them without immediately formulating an answer when the speaker’s only halfway through what they’re saying.
I often say “listen with both ears and your whole heart.” That means to be in a clear and compassionate space, where it isn’t all about you, but the person speaking, who has a right to explore their worldviews, just as YOU did at the same age.
Offer your thoughts and advice when asked or in an appropriate setting. Being in a conversation with someone younger doesn’t give you the right to start criticizing or correcting in the name of “in my day…”
If asked, take into account what they have to factor in: costs, dangers, difficulties that perhaps you didn’t have to deal with. Then share what you know.
Be willing to let those younger take the lead in projects. Learn to be a “Third Trencher” — a person who does the smaller, necessary work. In the First World War, supply lines, medical treatment and support all came from the third trenches while the fighters were in the front.
That means you do the dishes and pack the lunches; you don’t necessarily get to plan the event that feeds the homeless. You support the younger generation in stepping up and showing the world what’s important to them.
All of this comes down to one vital message: Find a way to make it work for everyone involved. Work TOGETHER, across the generations. Because if you think it’s all about you and not Them (whoever you deem Them to be), you’ll lose more than you realize. The only way for any of us to prosper is for all of us to prosper.
